Somethings gotta give...

Ok, guys... here's the deal.  The website design is coming along.  Coding my website has become a definite challenge... poor Tara has had her hands full with my endless questions.  If you follow me on Twitter, you have witnessed my difficulty.  Endless tweets on "How do I do..." "Why isn't this working?"... blah, blah, blah.  Thankfully, Tara and Danielle are incredibly helpful and patient. 

I'm going to contact my sewing contractor (in San Rafael) today to set up a date to meet and, hopefully, start production.  This is so surreal to me, but oh so exciting.  I'm also having a conference call with Michelle Staley, a mommy of a preemie, who created the Busy Breather's Oxygen backpack... seriously, check her out!!  She saw a void in the preemie market and filled it with this amazing product.  Sound familiar?  Well, I'm having a quick 20 min consultation with her to get as much info as I can (I'm writing down questions in between these blogging thoughts).  If I can be half as successful as she is I will count my myself extremely lucky.  

My diet is changing, which means more time grocery shopping, and definitely more time cooking.  Frequent trips to the farmer's market, coupon clipping (after watching the first episode of Extreme Couponing... ummm, hello?), and cooking lessons have become great bonding times between my husband and me.  Loving that.

My garden is flourishing, we're planting 16 more plants today, and a tree.  Guys, I was not built for manual labor, but I have a wonderful husband that doesn't mind doing the digging.   Gotta love that man.  I have to admit, the tan on my shoulders after a few hours of swingin' a shovel is a big bonus.  I did buy this little fashion statement a couple weeks ago (taken with my camera phone).

Everything comes with a price, and mine is less time to write.  I know I'm not the only one that has trouble balancing, but I feel guilty... so guilty.  Something has to give... and unfortunately, it has to be the blog for now.  There are so many aspects of the business that need to be figured out, and I just don't have time for everything.  Is anyone else feeling guilty about putting something on the back burner?  Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I'm being featured here...

Are you curious about how I got started as an artist, my family life, and where the name PeachHoneyLove came from?  Well, you're in luck because the wonderful Suzanne Redmond is interviewing me today over here!  Please check it out and show her some love!

Week 17: Recent Failure

Photo Credit

I'm on such a positive high, but there are two sides to every coin, so let's talk about failures.  We all have them...  difficult days, tasks we don't complete.  It's human to encounter failures, and the best way to deal with them is to accept them, attempt to try again, or sometimes just move on.

1.  I have let some negative comments get to me, and there are a couple that got me questioning my worth.  It sickens me that some random person, who doesn't even know me, could affect me this way, but I'm human and mean words hurt.  Did you know there are people on YouTube whose sole purpose is to scour the web, looking for videos to leave negative comments on?  There is!  I sat and pondered how their lives play out in their head, as if I should be dedicating any time worrying about scum.  The sense of superiority and entitlement they must feel, deciding what should and should not be on the web.  Whatever... moving on.

2.  I haven't painted in quite some time.  I miss it, I really do, but the preemie clothing line, and brand building has been priority number one.  My hope is that sometime soon, after the website is built and my social networking schedule is laid out, I can spend some time in the studio... instead of behind a computer.  I where many hats, and my business bonnet is the one I have on now. 

3.  My studio is still not organized... after a year.  Like I said before, I've been busy.  *sigh*

4. My Eat Clean diet has been MIA, and I feel like crap.  I don't know why I do this to myself.  That chinese take-out was delicious, but I was regretting it the next three days when the salty bloat arrived.  Ok, too much information.  Moving on.

I think that's it for now... but we never know what tomorrow will bring.  What have you been procrastinating with lately?  Any failures you want to get off your chest?

Two days in bed...

If I have ever said I wanted to spend a couple days in bed doing nothing... I lied!!  I have an eye infection which has left me in bed, eyes closed, with a cold compress for two days.  I should still have my eyes closed, but I have decided to turn down the brightness on the computer (same with the TV), and power through.  But I can tell this will be a short post because as I type tears are streaming down my face.

Time for a break.

Ok, I'm back.  I stupidly fell asleep with my contacts still in... I could have torn out my eyes when I woke up the next morning in excruciating pain.  It was Sunday, so there was nothing I could do, but wait until Monday with the eye clinic opened.  I spent Sunday in bed, and after my appointment on Monday, I spent the rest of the day listening to the TV, in pain, but bored to tears... literally.

Thankfully, I have a doting husband, who tended to my every need.  He cooked for me, heated my tea every 30min, put foil on the windows to block out any hint of light, and even brought the dog in to "give mommy kisses."

Time for another break.

The worst part is that after the two weeks of rain, it's been gorgeous the last couple days, and I've been stuck in darkness.  Ahhhhh!!!  The other bad part... I've missed you guys!!!

So, I finally got some fabric samples in the mail.  No, they weren't from any of the out-of-date companies from my fashiondex, but from my 3 hour Google search, I was forced to partake in at 1am one sleepless night.  I'm still waiting for two more packages, but they're very very promising.  The fabrics are soft and gorgeous, and perfect for screenprinting.  More good stuff to come... it's good to be back!   

Getting though the difficult days...

I had a mini-breakdown... yes, I admit it. My head was filled with "what-ifs" and "what abouts" and sleeping was all I could do to stop the constant mind chatter.  Everything had to be done right now!!  I couldn't wait a couple weeks... what if I missed my chance to be a part of that blog hop, or be interviewed by so-and-so, or had to postpone my shop debut.  Those sneaky little thoughts weaseled their way into my cluttered, overworked brain and made a cozy little home, courtesy of my meltdown.

Well, as you can imagine, I reached my limit, and I need a break... so I rested.  I slept late, watched TV, attended to the pile of laundry and dirty dishes, and spent some quality time with my husband and dog.  I got my hair and nails done, and bought a new outfit at my favorite clothing boutique.  I spent the day in San Francisco with a friend, sipping cappucino, and eating sushi with the ocean as our view.  It was exactly what I needed.  I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world, but this time I'm going to be smart.  I devised a new plan for my life/business/everything else in between, and contemplated what I learned.

What I learned from my breakdown...

I can't do it all, and I definitely can't do it all at once.  After Kelly's class, I was passionate, motivated and armed with my to do list.  The problem was that I expected to finish that list in a couple months... I don't know why I always do this to myself.  Much to my dismay, I wasn't finished in a month, or even 6 months.  I was so exhausted from pushing myself to finish, that I ran into a roadblock, called Reality.  It may take me a couple years to finish my list (and I'm sure along the way, I will add to the list), but rushing to finish, while desperately trying to hold on to my sanity, is not how it should get done. 

We take vacations from our "day job", so why do we feel the need to use every available moment doing, yet, another job.  Even if it's something we love, don't we deserve some time away from everything, to do... nothing?  For the last 6 months, I've been working every day.  Not 8 hours every day, but definitely working every day.  I work 3pm-11pm at my day job, so I figured why not get a couple hours of PHL stuff done before work... not a bad idea on some days, but I was doing it every day.  That means most days during the week, I was working 10 hour days, plus a few hours on each of my days off.  No wonder I was tired!!  Here's what I'm planning on doing now...

1. Sundays and Mondays are my days off with my husband.  No excuses!! I'm newly married, and I want to enjoy my time with my husband, before the babies start coming... and that's just around the corner, I hope.  I will allow myself to do a couple hours of work after he falls asleep, but that's it... I'm up until 2am, anyway, why waste quality quiet time. 

2. I will set realistic goals for myself, and I will not allow my cup to runneth over.  I'm writing my to do list on a 3x5 index card... whatever fits, gets done, and that's it!! No more using a full sheet of printer paper to jot down what I want to get done, because guess what?  It does not get done, and I'm left feeling disappointed.   

3. I will take advantage of productive days, because tomorrow I may need a break.  After my few days of R&R I was ready to go!! That day, I made 3 blankets, 2 fitted sheets and then spent another three hours ironing and cutting fabric to be sewn on my next days off.  I turned into a workhorse because I was well rested... duh, Jess!

4. I will get my priorities in order.  My main focus right now is opening my PeachHoneyPreemie shop, and finishing a custom art piece for a friend's son.  Everything else has to take a back seat, just for the moment. 

What to remember, so I can prevent an encore performance of The Nutty Professor...

1. I'm not perfect, nor should I try to be.  I don't know why I expected to handle everything with grace and calmness, while forcing myself to "do it all."  Something had to give.  Well, my calmness gave way to hysteria.  I will not place unrealistic expectations on myself anymore.

2. I shouldn't compare myself/my success to anyone else's.  I'm not Ali Edwards, Kelly Rae, Donna Downey, Suzi Blu, or any of the other success stories in the artsy world.  I believe I will be there one day, but there's always that nagging voice telling me "Man, I wish I was that successful."  It's extremely self-destructive, and I don't deserve it.

3. I need to celebrate my "have's", so I can get my "have not's".  Even though I'm not widely successful right now, if I look at where I was a couple years ago, I have made some great progress.  So, I have decided to celebrate those, instead of wallowing in my own self pity.  It's counterproductive, and makes me feel like crap, frankly.  No bueno for business.  I need to love myself and my work, so my success will follow.

Above all else, I need to listen to my body, when it's screaming at me to take a break. Take care of yourself, the rest is fluff...

Taking a breath...

Photo Credit

My heart is heavy, my mind is full of worries.  I'm crying too much, sleeping too little, and feeling very disconnected.  My back is a wreck, and I've been fighting a cold for the past two weeks.  I need to take care of myself... mind and body.  Why do we feel like failures when we can't do it all?  Like if we stop for a second, to take a deep breath, we are giving up.  I'm human, I know, and I'm in dire need of a break... so I'm taking one.

I will return Valentine's day, with a clearer mind and a healthier body.

Stylish Blog Award!!

My friend, Sylvia, gave me a a Stylish Blogger Award last week. By accepting this award, I need to tell you 7 things you don't know about me, and also pass the award onto some fellow stylish bloggers.

Here it goes...

1. I started dancing when I was six years old. I started with ballet, hated it, and then found my love, hip hop. I was on a dance team that toured the United States... I miss it, terribly. (That's me, in the bottom right hand corner, with braids)

2. I'm an only child, but always dreamed of having a sibling.

3. While traveling Europe in 2007, I briefly contemplated quitting my job and moving to Portugal. We visited the small town of Salema... so beautiful and serene, with a gorgeous white sand beach and crystal clear water.

4. As a child, I wanted to be a marine biologist. Today, I'm a Neonatal Intensive Care Nurse, but still an animal lover, at heart.

5. Some days I just want to lay in bed... all day!!

6. I've never seen The Sound of Music... I know, it's blasphemy, but I really have no desire to watch it. Does that make me a bad person?

7. I love being a student and learning new things. When it come down to it, I'm just a dork in glasses...

Now that the embarrassing portion of this post is over, lets get to the people who also deserve this award.

Laura, of Strategic Marketing Online and Dreamy Designs Jewelry, is a web designer/supermom/superfriend/jewelry designer and I will use any excuse to give her credit and love. Her blog is full of tips and tricks that have revolutionized how I do business. She has so much to offer, so visit my interview with her over here.

Brandi, of Catie's Blue, is another friend of mine. She is an amazing jewelry designer/marketing guru, and her daily dose of blog inspiration is better than my morning coffee. She has lots of tips shares to blow your mind, and a refreshing blog. I interviewed her last year, so please check it out.

Dina, is an amazing scrapbook artist/art journal genius, and she entered my life a couple years ago when I took her art journal classes. She opened my eyes to the creativity behind my insecurities and fear, and taught me how to let go. She does amazing things with her pages, so please visit her colorful blog here.

Thank you, Sylvia, for this thoughtful award!! Hope to see you soon!

Reno, Birthday, and Garden Update

This was a much needed 5 day weekend! It started with a 2 1/2 day trip to Reno for some dancing, gambling and debauchery... yes, we needed it. The roulette table left me feeling invigorated, and the nap by the pool left me... well... tan. We got to spend some time with friends, let loose on the dance floor (well, that was just me, but Joseph did make a short appearance for half a song... pretty good for him), and spent money for no apparent purpose (but I guess fun is a very important purpose).















I spent some time talking to one of my friends, and bridesmaid, about the stress surrounding my world these days, and she offered some much appreciated advice. She advised to not let the wedding to-do list stress me out because I was missing the journey of planning the most important day of my life... did I really want to look back on this last year and say, “God, I’m glad that’s over,” or “I had so much fun creating that perfect day.” I don’t want to look back on these planning months with regret. I want to cherish them.

When we returned from Reno on Sunday, Joseph and I engaged in the fine art of napping... as Joseph and I lay in bed, I looked at the clock that read “6:30pm,” and I asked him, “So... what do you want to do for the rest of the day.” With one eye open he said, “This.” So, that’s exactly what we did. We tried to make it through a movie... we were not successful. We got 30 minutes in, and then started to snore. We finally succumbed to the sleep at 8:30pm... and didn’t wake up until 10:30am the next morning. *sigh*





Monday I had a birthday lunch with my mom... sushi of course. When I returned home Joseph had cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed and started laundry... he refers to these chores as his “husbandly duties.” We went grocery shopping, and then watched the latest Star Trek Movie, the one we couldn’t finish the previous night.

Tuesday was my birthday... it was relaxing and productive. My idea of a perfect day. I had a pedicure and facial peel (a relaxing one, not a rip-your-face-off one), met Joseph at home for a little snuggle time before he headed off to school, and then I got stuff done. I organized my office/art studio, cooked for the week, finished the laundry, and sent out some wedding gift thank you cards. It was fabulous!! Did I mention that I did all these things while wearing my wedding shoes... I had to start breaking them in. It was quite a sight... me in grubby cleaning clothes with Calvin Klein ivory satin 4 1/2 inch peep-toe pumps. Very amusing.

A VERY IMPORTANT GARDEN UPDATE:
Joseph and I heard through the grapevine one way to keep voles away from your plants is to scatter dog hair around them. Well, we don’t have dogs, so we took a little trip to Petsmart’s Grooming Center, and yes, we asked them for a bag of dog hair. I felt like a complete loon!! Surprisingly, this was not an unusual request, and they eagerly filled a huge garbage bag with dog hair. The looks we got, as we walked out to the parking lot with a bag full of hair, were comical to say the least. Joseph and I couldn’t stop laughing as we dodged sideways glances from passerby's.
When I got home, I stuffed dog hair into every single hole left by those dang varmints, and put even more in and around the still viable plants. The next morning, the hair looked as though it had been undisturbed... I think we finally have a cure!!
Oh, and my zucchini and squash plants are growing more babies... they survived!!

Even my trainer couldn't push me...

So arrived at my trainer's house this morning (not ready to workout) with dark circles under my eyes, and a contagious yawn. She asked, "How are you doing, girl?"... I just wanted to break down and cry!!! I'm so exhausted!!! Everyday at work feels like I'm being rolled over with a steam engine (I'm tired of the fight), wedding plans aren't complete (the little stuff is piling on), my art studio is a mess (and since I'm a little OCD when it comes to organization, it' driving me nuts!), and I can't sleep because the endless to-do-list is on repeat in my cluttered head. My trainer felt pity for me, so instead of pushing me, she gave me a 45min massage... GOD BLESS HER!!!
We're off to Reno for 2 days, and I'm hoping it will be the weekend away Joseph and I have been dying for. Tuesday is my mom and my birthday, so we're going to lunch and getting a massage together... hopefully the two massages in one week will get me out of this funk. I need to refocus and get back to being me, instead of this cranky, tired version. Pray for me!!

My new Baby!!!

I woke up this morning to the sound of the doorbell and shot out of bed trying desperately not to fall on my face as I ran down the stairs... MY NEW COMPUTER IS HERE!!! I've been a PC user my whole life, but I made the switch, people!! I'm a MAC user now! The switch was necessary after refocusing my attention to starting my business... and poor Joseph was tired of having all my "stuff" on his computer, and before I downloaded even more programs I thought it was best to buy my own computer. I can't wait to dive into all that it has to offer... it's all mine!!

Midnight Cravings...

I got home from work last night opened up the refrigerator, took out a bag of shredded cheddar cheese and plopped it eagerly into my mouth, then I grabbed a handful of garlic and parmesan cheese flavored croutons and inhaled those as well… why the crazy midnight cravings? I know what you’re thinking… no, I’m not pregnant; I’m not even PMSing... I believe the wedding plans and backyard woes have finally gone to my head and the mere thought of sticking to my “Clean” diet, and resisting the temptation for some comfort food, made me incredibly angry (and yes, cheese and croutons are comfort food to me).
I’m a complete mess!!!! However, no one needs to see me standing over the sink shoveling Ben and Jerry’s down my gullet… no one wins ‘cause the next day I’m complaining to Joseph that I feel bloated and gross… and we don’t need to have that conversation… again. 57 days until the wedding… and I’m praying my sanity holds on until then.

I Will Create!!!

“Courage is seeing your fear, in a realistic perspective, defining it, and choosing to function in spite of it.” –Leonard Zunin

“What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?” Interesting question, isn’t it… it hit me in the face when I read it. Another question Kelly asked us was “When was the last time you felt fearless?” The truth is I don’t remember ever feeling fearless!!! That seemed so strange to me… I’ve always remembered feeling insecure and afraid of failing. In fact, I don’t even try if I’m not positive I’ll be good at something… ridiculous but true. Joseph is always trying to get me to go to the driving range with him to “hit a bucket of balls.” I went once, hit 2 balls out of about 20, and then gave up… and I’ve never been back.

I can remember as a child hoola hooping in front of my house for hours, practicing difference tricks, and never becoming frustrated when the hoop would hit the ground. I would just pick it up and try again… when did that confidence turn into fear? The fear stops now!!! It’s time to define them, face them and LET GO… I deserve to be better!!!

MY FEARS:
I’m not good enough... You’re a talented artist with lots to share with the world!!!
I can never make enough money creating art to pay the bills…. The world is full of people who would appreciate and buy your art if you pour your heart and soul into it!!
I’m not a business woman… You can do anything you put your mind to!!!
I can’t have it all… I CAN HAVE IT ALL!!!

CREATIVITY GOALS:
- Open ETSY shop
- Go part-time at work and supplement income with art sales
- Expand blog audience
- Participate in any artistic class available
- BECOME ARTISTICALLY OPEN AND ARTISTIC!!!

Finding the balance...

My health is the best it has ever been, and I'm more motivated about maintaining it than ever... however, something is missing... I haven't done anything creative since May of last year. I feel lost. I have finally found time for exercise and health, but now I'm faced with finding even more time for my creative self.... I'm overwhelmed.

I am amazed at how many women can do it all... work, kids, art, etc.... but I have to say that I'm exhausted!!! I work about 40 hours a week, work out 4 or 5 times a week before work, and I spend a few hours a week cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. What am I going to do when I have kids?!?

I need to find a balance...

Personal growth...

I've been thinking about the future lately. The upcoming wedding, and baby-making plans has forced me to rearrange my priorities and put my health at the top of the list. In true Jess fashion, I did my research... read some books, consulted a dietitian, and even started working with a person trainer (I'm wearing a heart rate monitor as I type). I'm working out more, eating clean, and have added supplements to my daily regimen.
I feel amazing!!! I have so much energy and my future feels full of promise... this is one year I plan on sticking to my resolutions... 2010 is the year for personal growth...

Rain...

I wish it would start raining... it would go well with my mood lately...

Feeling the ick...

Yes, I'm one of those women who nit-picks every single aspect of her physical description... if my arms and but were a little tighter, if my boobs were a little bigger, if my eyelashes were a little longer... maybe then I would be happier... it's complete nonsense!! Really, Jess, why do you do this to yourself?

Why are women so critical of themselves? I've been trying to lose the same 5 pounds for the last 2 years, and you would think by now I would just learn to be happy with where my body is, but oh no... I just lament over every extra potato chip I eat and every day that I do absolutely nothing active... nonsense!!!

Yeah, I could get some bigger boobs, but next thing you know I'd be bribing my plastic surgeon to do one more procedure to turn me into Cat Woman... nonsense!!!

My "Dove message" said "remind yourself that it's ok not to be perfect"... funny how a piece of chocolate is telling me to be ok with myself...

Just a obsessive thought brought to you by PMS...

This is how crazy I've become

I worked twelve hours yesterday (11a-11pm), then because I just hadn't been torturing myself enough I slept in one of the sleep rooms for 4 hours (well, actually I only slept for 45min), and then got up and finished up the night shift (3a-7a)... I thought I was trashed the other day, but it doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling today. I didn't even have to take a benedryl... I came home, took a shower, and then passed out for 7 hours with absolutely no interruption. That's how freakin' exhausted I was... no benedryl!?!... I haven't done that in years. I go back to work tomorrow until Thursday and then I'm off to Fort Bragg for three days with my love... THANK THE LORD!!

Today is a special day for Joseph and me... it's our 2 year anniversary and now we have the whole evening to love on each other. He just brought me a glass of wine and a plate of crackers with seafood salad in bed (classy and delicious!!), and now he's in the kitchen making his famous Balsamic Pork Tenderloin... so good!! After dinner we're going to pamper each other until we fall asleep... nothing else could be better after a long week at work.

My love... you are the love of my life and the man of my dreams, and these last two years have been incredibly blissful. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you... I love you more than you will ever know... Happy anniversary my Honeybush!!!

Weak, or human?

I worked 16 hours last night, and barely got home (thanks to my blaring music and strong wind)... I finally fell asleep at 8am and then woke up at 2pm and that was it... No more sleeping for you, Jess... that's all you get!! Now I'm watching "The Hills" re-runs trying to relax. I'm so trashed!!! I only have to work 4 hours today... thank GOD!!!... and I plan on getting 12 hours of sleep tonight with my love beside me. I haven't seen Joseph since he kissed me goodbye (when I was half asleep) yesterday morning.... he had a 6am meeting this morning, but he made sure to close all the curtains and turn down the bed, so all I had to do was collapse into my pillow. It was wonderful, but I really wanted him here... I didn't sleep well.

If you didn't already know it by now I really really want my house... I'm working as much as I can while my body will let me, so from now on it's balls to the wall... until I land straight on my face... which I have a feeling will be soon. Everyone at work keeps saying, "You're young... you can handle it." I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can handle it... Am I weak, or just human?

Homecoming bliss...

This is what I came home to Saturday morning at 730am, after I finished a grueling 16 hour shift... Joseph left early in the morning for a golfing extravaganza, and he made sure all I had to do was take a shower and plop into bed. The kitchen was clean... the bed was made with my side neatly folded down, waiting for me... my nightgown was laid out and the dark curtains was pulled tight all around the apartment, perfect for a daytime sleep.... ahhhhh... Joseph is so wonderful... how did I get so lucky?

I have worked 36hours and had 15 hours of sleep in the past three days... I am exhausted, and happy to have today off, even though it's cleaning day and I won't get much rest. I feel at peace because I know Joseph will be home soon and I will spend the remainder of this busy day in his arms...

Blogger Inspired...

Oh for heaven's sake!!! Three posts in one day!!!! I don't know what's come over me, but I'm just feeling a little blogger inspired...

I've been wanting to do a little self portrait photo shoot for awhile, but have been feeling a little disgusted with myself... but today was different, so I gave it a shot (no pun intended). I went on SPC and I got a little jolt of energy and creativity... but, I didn't like any of the pics I took, except this one...

Maybe after I learn to photoshop the dark circles under my eyes I'll revisit this adventure... ta ta for now...